Why are we all pretending?

I can no longer go to bars. Yet, I love them for their atmosphere, alcohol content and the social aspect. Unfortunately, my current ventures have begun to disgust me. I had this very obvious epiphany about girls and guys. We’re all pretending!

What I mean by that is simply, we get all dressed up, go out in our circles of friends and perform for the opposite sex. Is this the only way to meet someone of the opposite sex?! I am so over it. I have started to people watch. The mating ritual usually goes something like this:

- Guy buys girl drinks/buys drinks for a group of girls.

* His reasoning: drunk girls put out and aren’t that smart so I don’t have to try that hard to make intellectual conversation (probably because he is lacking the confidence, skill, intellect or he is just lazy).

- Girl 99% of the time accept drinks
(even if you can tell she is not interested, who is going to pass up free drinks at the bar).


* Guy approaches: compliments her eyes, hair, outfit, etc. She either accepts compliment and chit-chats or loses interest immediately.

- If Girl swoons -

**Girl and guy flirts, usually body language changes, huge cheesy smiles, hair flipping, unnecessary touching, mindless chatter, heavy consumption of alcoholic beverages continues up to the point where the guy has pinpointed his chosen project for the evening and the girl will give her undivided attention because miraculously you have caught her eye (or she’s an attention whore, she craves male attention).

- Girl goes to bathroom to gossip with friends,
Questions like:
Is he cute?
Do I look too drunk?
How’s my hair?

- Sometimes girl throws up because she is beyond gone . . .

* Meanwhile, guy is high-fiving other male friends, thinking he is gonna get laid and claiming dibs on cute drunk chick he has seduced into liking him for the evening!

- She returns and he puts his hand on her knee or arm around her. Sometimes, he is bold enough to go for the kiss (if they are drunk enough!)

*He asks her if she wants to get out of here as last call approaches
2 Options From This Point:
1. Girl leaves and has some very casual sex with a stranger, probably lacking a condom, thus the rampant spread of stds and then usually wakes up with a killer hangover (if she hasn’t thrown up again) naked with her arm around naked male thinking to herself, “What happened last night?”, peers at the guy’s face without trying to wake him, going shit, “Where’s my purse”, “how did I get here?” Eww as best put you either wake up and the man that has his arm around you would rather chew off than wake him or you think he’s kind of cute. Either way girl scrambles to leave or if interested wakes him up. This is semi-awkward and embarrassing; girl leaves and writes number on napkin.

*On the male side he wakes thinking, “YES, I scored!”, “Wait, what’s her name again Britney, heather, Jenna. Hmmmm I forget” If he drove her which is probable because he got her to drunk to drive, he does the obligatory drive home or thanks her for a lovely evening or he is distant because he is disgusted with what he woke up to as well (works both ways) and wants chick to abort his bed ASAP.

*If he’s interested: he may ask for her number, if he’s nice he’ll get you water or offer you a shower. If he likes you he’ll definitely get the number but may ponder whether to call again or you will date casually and some very small percentage of one-nighters will make it through and form a relationship out of it (but I feel this is not the most common outcome.)

2. Girl doesn’t leave with him because she doesn’t want to be considered easy, these are the girls that want respect, so give the number and then get pissed if they don’t call if they were really interested or just were feeling rejected. Or, guy does call and the guy and girl end up doing a few more bar dates or real dates and then sleeping together. Inevitably, it all comes back to sex. It’s just the instinct in us.

I understand this is the cycle for our species to procreate but honestly it is so primitive. We are so fake and I am guilty as well for acting but I am dry-heaving a little bit at what we have been reduced to. I need to figure a way to break this cycle and meet a stimulating guy that will talk about more than sports, beer and Ludacris. I think there should be a mandated law from the President to outlaw for girls: makeup, straighteners, perfume, hair coloring, expensive designer clothes. For guys, no steroids, overpriced cologne, and polo shirts w/ khakis (male equivalent to dressing up) Then, when we are stripped of our conformist image to ‘look our best’ and we all show up in sweat pants, baggy tees and t-shirts there will be nothing left to hide behind. We will have to be ourselves. . . totally exposed . . . It’s a scary thought I know but how liberating to actually be able to see the real people and faces and pick up on genuine attraction through conversation or even still looks but not enhanced looks.

Now the debate goes from here, I believe there should still be alcohol in this equation (probably because I am a bit of a lush alcoholic, but this is beside the point). I was talking to a friend at work, griping about this issue and I posed the question where can I meet a good guy. And by good guy I am not even nitpicking on his looks, income, background, ethnicity, friends. . . I don’t care about any of that.

I will give you an example of a real life story: Judge how mentally stimulating this sounds. . . .

Out with my girls and some asshole does this to put me in a bad mood. See, I want to meet someone who is not going to buy me free shots with titles like wet p*ssy and cum shot. And then basically come over and say, “Hi. Nice shoes! Wanna Fuck?” UM no, you repulse me, I am holding back vomit in my throat and I can’t decide if I want to slap you in the face, throw a drink at you or just tell you to fuck off. Maybe all three but what’s worse is the fact that this guy is not kidding, not so trashed he doesn’t realize what he is saying and the reason he is probably using this line on me is because it has worked for him somewhere before.

Or do all guys try to do this? . . .


I can no longer handle this anymore, but then, does this doom me for the single life because I won’t pretend to be something I am not to get some guy interested in me. Trust me, I like sex. A LOT! I am unwilling to give up on looking for guys but I must somehow find a new location with more inspiring candidates. So, now I am forced to choose to conform or to not. Well, the friend and I brainstormed places like the grocery stores, concerts, bookstores, coffeeshops, school and then I interjected to remind him that I like alcohol and night atmospheres. Also, I contemplated workplaces (but now we have all these anti-fraternizing policies so there are no lawsuits on the company) which is upsetting because I read you spend a 1/3 of your life at work (at least)! Here is what we came up with as a plausible solution: JAZZ BARS (maybe even martini bars but there may be a lot of pretentious yuppies there). Smart, eccentric people into good music as opposed to drunken girls covered in vomit and dancing on bars where the guys are equally hammered smashing beer cans with their heads. SO, jazz bar, there are drinks, it is at night. Problem solved? I don’t know. I will have to test this out one night this week. Maybe, I will just open my own bar, disbarring any of this behavior or limiting this behavior to one night a week to cut down on the demise of society causing pregnancy and stds.

The lesson: Why we still pretend is because the alternatives out there are equally bad if not worse. I will try the jazz bar thing and only other places that you bloggers have suggestions to but I think we are doomed to HAVE to pretend, bullshit, mate and PRAY: that one day, when you wake up and actually have a real conversation you are pleasantly surprised that the other person you are talking to is interesting. Hallelujah, Thank God! (He gets so much credit anyway, I figure I will give credit to him for creating us, so we can pro-create and have this damn mating ritual, which he probably created to torture us as well) I see no way around this.

Well, I can dream can’t I . . . .

Oh and when you finish this, don’t act like you haven’t all been here, or judge this, I see this happen with everyone. . And, I hope I didn’t offend anyone who likes to meet the opposite sex like this. To these people, I say, Let them eat cake . . . or something . . .

Even Trojan is understanding the pain women go through. I guarantee a woman came up with campaign. I doubt a man would have said he was a pig. I am not sure if I should love it or hate it but at least they are advocating protection!